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Patrick Hruby

What College Basketball Needs is More Zubaz

A completely sincere open letter


Dear college basketball teams wearing Zubaz-inspired uniforms,

With the NCAA tournament getting underway, I just want to say: love the new look. Love it. Dare I say it’s hot? Or even cool? How about fresh? Tight? The bomb-diggity?

Anyway, the point is that I’m down. On the down low. The low down. Down with the cause. Whatever you kids are saying these days. Do you even talk to each other anymore? Do you just text? Are you Instagramming? Is rap battling still a thing? I can’t keep up. Can’t keep up because I’m old. Like, old enough to be your non-cool uncle. I’m 36. I have a wife, a dog and a mortgage. Just the idea of “Spring Breakers” makes me feel creepy. On Friday nights, I like to get to bed early so I can clean my condo in the morning. And then maybe enjoy a cup of tea while I watch golf. I mean, if there’s time.

Just kidding. I actually hate golf. But I adore your new uniforms. Especially the long sleeves!

Speaking of your unis: I hear that not everyone is a fan. Over at The Big Lead, Ty Duffy called them horrifiying. Outlandish. Part of Adidas’ “not-so-subtle campaign to ruin college athletics.” Deadspin’s Emma Carmichael expressed the same sentiment. USA TODAY Sports’ Chris Chase mocked the sleeves as baby doll T-shirt-esque, and the shorts for bringing to mind the ”‘Life of Pi’ tiger going swimming in an ocean full of Kool-Aid.” CBSSports.com’s entire Inside College Basketball crew got in on the act, which means you were being dissed by Alaa Abdelnaby. Do you even know who that is?

Here’s a hint: he’s older than I am. And he played at Duke. Classy, by-the-book, armed-for-life, do-it-the-right-way Duke.

Your dad’s other favorite team, probably.

So, the uniforms. They’re great. The neon socks and shoes, too. The whole ensemble. Makes all of you look like fine, upstanding young men. Heck, if I had a daughter, it’s what I’d want you to wear to come pick her up. For a nice date. Maybe you could see The Notebook. And get coffee afterwards. But back on topic. Don’t listen to the naysayers. Keep on keepin’ on. You have my approval. You’re making me proud. You look just the way a college basketball player should.

Come to think of it, I can remember the exact moment I realized that your new uniforms were safe, inoffensive and un-rebellious. That there wasn’t a single edgy thing about them. I was watching “Pardon the Interruption.” Mike Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser were grumbling about the look. Boy, did they sound out of touch. So crotchety. Like Stadler and Waldorf. Like a pair of grumpy grandpas, shooing someone off their lawn. Like a mom telling her daughter there’s no way she’s leaving the house in that outfit. Truth be told, they sounded like the establishment, like the voice of adult authority, and I thought to myself: wow, if I was a teenage boy and heard this, the first thing I would do is buy a pair of Zubaz basketball shorts with a baby doll-sleeved jersey. If these geezers don’t like it, it must be alright.

And then I started thinking about reverse psychology.

Look, I’ve probably said enough. I don’t want to bore you. I’m sure you have Tumblr-ing to do. Rock on with your bad selves. Zubaz 4 lyfe, yo! Heck, I’m thinking about getting a pair of those shorts myself. For working out. Three days a week, 20 minutes on the elliptical machine, just like my proctologist recommended. I don’t play ball much anymore. My knees hurt too much. But I love the doctor’s office. Great magazines. And the local real estate guide! Really makes time fly.

Oh, and I guess I could wear my new shorts to the mall. Hey, maybe I’ll see you there. We could share a fist pound. It’ll be dope!

Cheers,

Patrick Hruby

Read the original article at Sports on Earth