|Sports on Earth|
Dear National Football League,
Bravo. And Kudos. Is it too early for a Congressional Medal of Freedom? According to a report by Bruce Feldman of CBSSports.com, you’re considering not inviting academically ineligible college players to your annual scouting combine, all because of “increased scrutiny on the maturity and commitment” of prospects entering your workplace.
Thank goodness. About time. Way overdue, actually. Oh, sure, some nattering nabobs of negativity will call this a cynical ploy, a public relations trial balloon launched directly into
Not me. I think it’s brilliant. The kind of idea that passes its campus classes with honors — and aces the Wonderlic, too.
In fact, there’s only one problem with your proposed plan: it doesn’t go far enough. Not even close. If academic prowess is your new barometer for maturity and commitment – replacing previous measures like shuttle cone runs and looking super-heroic and/or presentable in lycra underwear — then the combine as currently constituted is all wrong, a jumble of off-putting optics. There’s too much running and jumping and stopwatch-clicking and football-related stuff, and not enough reading chemistry textbooks and deconstructing French new wave cinema. As such, a few suggestions:
Scrap the 40-yard dash: Replace announced times with announced collegiate GPAs. Pro tip: most of them will be lower than 4.0, so they’ll sound even more impressive.
Dump the Bod Pod, too: And the shirtless, no-pants measurements and stage sashays. Your scouts see body composition, but the rest of America only sees tattoos, and maybe that means gangs, or something else scary, and then how will anyone ever believe in the maturity and commitment of our future heroes/role models/fantasy football trade chips?
Add Kaplan or the Princeton Review: Not as sponsors. As partners. You know, so you can better prepare mature and committed prospective professional football players for their all-important GRE tests.
Have your coaches and scouts dress like this: Roger Goodell already has the academic look down cold. And speaking of Goodell, change his official title from “commissioner” to “dean.” It just sounds more mature and committed.
Look, the above isn’t a comprehensive list. I’m sure you can think of other helpful changes. Like inviting more mathletes. Point is, you need to cull the herd. Eliminate the bad apples. Show the public that pro football isn’t a sport for just anyone, and that the commitment and maturity demonstrated by being able to both show up for and not flunk out of Spanish II is what the NFL embodies.
As for the academic washouts, the “sizable group” of former college players a league source told Feldman would not have been invited to this year’s combine had the proposed rule been in place? Don’t worry. You won’t miss them. If academic history is any guide, there’s plenty of mature, committed talent available for drafting on a yearly basis. A few examples:
Quentin Groves, linebacker: Graduated from Auburn with a degree in criminology.*
Cody Grimm, safety: Graduated from Virginia Tech with a degree in apparel, housing and resource management.**
Rae Carruth, wide receiver: Double major in English and education at Colorado, selected to Big 12 All-Academic team.***
Aaron Hernandez, tight end: Academic All-SEC.****
See what I mean? Forget football. Focus on scholarship. What could possibly go wrong?
* Arrested after attempting to solicit sex from an undercover police officer.
** Arrested twice in three months for public intoxication.
*** Currently serving prison sentence for conspiring to murder the pregnant mother of his child.
**** You get CNN, right?
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