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Patrick Hruby

Dysfunction Junction

Presenting the Washington Redskins franchise dysfunction quiz

Sports on Earth

It’s official: former Cincinnati Bengals offensive coordinator Jay Gruden will be the next coach of the Washington Redskins. What, exactly, is he getting himself into? Take our quiz and find out:

1. Which of the following coaches had a winning record with the Redskins under Washington owner Daniel Snyder?

(a) None of the above

2. Former Redskins coach Steve Spurrier resigned his position:

(a) With great reluctance and fond memories

(b) From a golf course

3. Which of the following things said by former Redskins coach Mike Shanahan is the most likely to be true?

(a) He doesn’t use email

(b) Former quarterback Donovan McNabb was benched in the fourth quarter of a game for “cardiovascular endurance” reasons

(c) “I think everybody in this room knows that I don’t talk to anybody off the record”

(d) “What I’m trying to do is be as honest as I can. And I don’t normally do that”

4. Fill in the blank: to express his displeasure with what he felt were the conservative play-calling schemes of former Redskins defensive coordinator Mike Nolan, Snyder left _____ on his desk:

(a) A respectful, professional memo

(b) A “we need to talk, see me in my office” Post-It

(c) A melting gallon of 31 Flavors ice cream with a note that said, “This is what I like. Not vanilla”

(d) A severed horse’s head

5. During his introductory press conference, former Redskins coach Jim Zorn referred to the team’s burgundy-and-gold color scheme as:

(a) Maroon and black

(b) Black and tan

(c) Crimson and clover

(d) Starsky and Hutch

6. According to the Washington Post, former Redskins offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan used to stand on a balcony overlooking quarterback Robert Griffin III and:

(a) Time the length of his weekly press conferences

(b) Think about what he was doing with his limited time on the planet Earth, and seriously consider jumping

7. Choose all that apply: which of the following is over 700 pages long?

(a) The Bible

(b) The complete text of the Affordable Care Act

(c) Anything by Tom Clancy, and that’s just the loving weapons system descriptions

(d) Former Redskins offensive coordinator Al Saunders’ playbook

8. Following Shanahan’s final, post-firing press conference, reporters in a Redskins Park press room were told by the Redskins that they could not:

(a) Walk out to the parking lot where Shanahan was departing

(b) Take photos of the parking lot where Shanahan was departing

(c) Look through a window overlooking the parking lot where Shanahan was departing

(d) Think about leaving the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

9. Fill in the blank: during Zorn’s tenure, the Redskins hired _____ to serve as a mid-season “offensive consultant”:

(a) A retired senior citizen bingo caller

(b) A part-time discount department store greeter

(c) A clown college adjunct professor emeritus

(e) Bob Slydell and Bob Porter

10. Which of the following charges have the Redskins NOT asked fans to pay?

(a) $10 to attend training camp

(b) $10 to park at training camp while attending training camp

(c) $25 to park during an off-season Fan Appreciation Day

(d) $23.99 for commemorative 9/11 team caps

(e) $9.99 for FedEx Field respiratory oxygen intake

11. Which of the following charges have the Redskins paid?

(a) $1.4 million-plus per Adam Archuleta start

(b) $250,000 per McNabb touchdown pass

(c) At least $2.5 million per Jeff George victory

(d) $35.6 million per Albert Haynesworth passed conditioning test

(e) All of the above

12. Which of the following statements did a Redskins spokesman NOT make while defending Snyder’s decision to file a frivolous libel lawsuit against the Washington City Paper during a panel on media ethics?

(a) “All we wanted was the truth, the same thing you heard up in Egypt['s Tahrir Square] where people were trying to find one thing — people getting hurt and beat up for one thing — the truth”

(b) “We’re not trying to be bullies … we’re not trying to make anyone afraid”

(c) “I’m looking at the ladies in this audience. Someday, you will get married if you’re not married, and your husband will fight for your honor”

(d) “We have always been at war with Eurasia”

13. Choose all that apply: at FedEx Field, the Redskins reportedly have sold fans:

(a) Stale peanuts from a bankrupt airline

(b) Beer in the stadium bathrooms

(c) Recycled chewing gum

(d) An official team double-bacon e coli burger

14. Fill in the blank: the son of ______ has NOT been employed by the Redskins.

(a) Marty Schottenheimer

(b) Steve Spurrier

(c) Joe Gibbs

(d) Al Saunders

(e) Gregg Williams

(f) Mike Shanahan

(g) George Allen

(h) Sam

15. According to a story in ESPN Magazine, Snyder used to sit in a luxury box after Redskins losses until 4 a.m., where he would:

(a) Contemplate keeping a low public profile

(b) Initiate the hiring search process for a football-savvy general manager

(c) Resolve not to treat his team’s fan base like an ATM machine

(d) Pound drinks, down burgers and pizza and blame himself for being, in the words of a friend, “his own worst enemy”

(e) Apologize to all those trees he cut down

16. In addition to the Redskins, Washington, D.C. spokesman/lobbyist-for-hire Lanny Davis also has represented:

(a) The longtime dictator of Equatorial Guinea

(b) Honduran coup supporters

(c) For-profit colleges accused of exploiting students

(d) An Ivory Coast strongman

(d) Alex Rodriguez

(e) All of the above

17. Choose all that apply: a broadcast of a team-produced television show featured a man named Stephen D. Dodson, who:

(a) Was identified as “Chief Dodson” and “”a full-blooded American Inuit chief”

(b) Said he was upset that ”people are speaking for Native Americans that aren’t Native American”

(c) Defended the team’s controversial nickname as “a term of endearment that we would refer to each other as. When we were on the reservation, we’d call each other, ‘Hey, what’s up, redskin?’”

(d) Was subsequently discovered by writer Dave McKenna to be neither a full-blooded American Inuit nor a chief in any formal sense of the term

(e) Was subsequently hired as a Redskins spokesman

18. Which of the following labeled the Redskins a “seriously mismanaged” operation?

(a) The American Enterprise Institute, a conservative Washington think tank that usually bothers with trivial stuff like tax, economic and regulatory policy

(b) See choice (a)

(c) No, really — they did. Look it up

19. Which of the following films did actor Tom Cruise star in after appearing with Snyder in a FedEx Field luxury box?

(a) Valkyrie

(b) Knight and Day

(c) Rock of Ages

(d) All of the above

20. When former Redskins player Tre’ Johnson once said, “I mean, from a comical standpoint, you have to appreciate it,” he was referring to:

(a) Snyder’s management style

(b) This

(c) Or this

(d) Or this

(e) Honestly, does it even matter?

Answer key: 1) A; 2) B; 3) D; 4) C; 5-6) A; 7) A-D; 8) D; 9) A; 10) E; 11) E; 12) A-C; 13) A and B; 14) H; 15) D; 16) E; 17) A-D; 18) A-C; 19) D; 20) A and E.

Read the original article at Sports on Earth